


Call It What You Want

by comeonbalfe



Category: Outlander (TV) RPF
Genre: AU, Drama, F/M, NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-10-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:41:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27136072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comeonbalfe/pseuds/comeonbalfe
Summary: "I wanted to memorize you."
Relationships: Caitriona Balfe/Sam Heughan
Comments: 15
Kudos: 54





	Call It What You Want

**Author's Note:**

> It's quick. It's sad and cruel. It's probably not making much sense, either. But this is something I've always wanted to write. 
> 
> Huge thanks to my beta an-gaol-seo-ol for editing it quicker than I expected.

__

_And I know  
_ _I make the same mistakes every time_  
_Bridges burn,_ _I never learn._

<<<

_She is sitting on the cold bathroom floor of her bathroom, the white silk blanket is wrapped around her tiny shape. She doesn’t know how many hours have passed; she suddenly can’t even tell what day of the week it is. She doesn’t know what she wants at this very moment, either. She gets up and feels nothing but pain, her body is sore, worn out. She goes to her bedroom. It is silent, dark, and she can smell cologne in the air. His cologne. A smell she wishes to never forget. Also, a smell she wishes she could forget as soon as possible._

It has been one of those days that started with a thought, “I feel like something bad is about to happen,” and all she wants is for this day to end, because this thought just won’t go away. It has been an ordinary day for her, except for this nagging thought she has had on her mind. 

She is almost done with her new project – an Irish documentary she produced, the one that should hit Netflix in a couple of months or so. She is proud of herself. She wishes she could tell him about it. She is sure he would be happy for her. It’s been a year since they wrapped Outlander, and they've barely seen each other since that. But, she still wakes up in the middle of the night, sweaty, shivering as she keeps having dreams about him. 

It's evening, and she goes home. She has almost approached the building where she rents a flat, when she notices a familiar silhouette standing near the entrance. Him. He is wearing one of his leather jackets that she always loved on him. His hair’s gotten a bit longer, slightly curly at the ends. She stops to catch her breath when she feels a tight knot forming in her belly. She swallows, tucks her hair behind her ears, and walks towards him. 

He turns around when he hears the sound of her heels. She expects a smile and a “Hi”, but his face is serious, blank. She's getting nervous.

“What are you doing here?” She asks and her voice slightly shakes. 

“It's been a while. I came to see you. We, umm, we need to talk. Been waiting for you. Busy day?” He replies in a low voice, and she sees a vein pulsating on his neck. She knows, he is nervous, too. 

She swallows again and fakes a smile. “Yes. I have a new project going on right now.” She suddenly feels like not sharing anything as his tone and mood are scaring her. 

“May I come in?” He asks unceremoniously. 

“Of course.” She says, quietly, without blinking, without thinking. She doesn’t think she has a choice. 

When the door of her apartment closes behind them, she immediately feels his hands on her waist, his hot breath on her neck. He presses her against the wall, makes her bones shake. She knows _why_ he is here, again.

“Caitríona…” He whispers into her ear and starts kissing her neck. 

"Sam..." She can feel her heart pounding in her ears, she forgets how to breathe, she wants to push him away. She can’t. She won’t. “Please… No…,” she whispers back with her eyes closed, grabbing his neck with both her hands, running her fingers through his soft curls, caressing the mole on his left cheek with her thumb. 

He isn't listening. His hands are roaming up and down her body. He unbuttons her shirt and places his palm on her left breast. 

“No bra? How Balfe of you,” he murmurs into her mouth, as he kisses her, bites her lips and her chin, down to her neck, collarbones, and then back up to her jawline. 

“Old habits die hard,” she answers, barely breathing, and suddenly doesn’t know why she even said that. She is lost, and her knees are treacherously weak. So is her brain. She pulls down his jacket and lets it fall to the floor. “You know me.” 

He lets out a small laugh, his right hand is back on her breast, cupping it gently, massaging, caressing. Just right there, where her heart could explode any second. “I know you.” He takes off her shirt and grasps both of her hands, lifts them above her head against the wall. She feels his tongue going down her neck, between her breasts, to her hardened nipples. Not able to say a word, she pushes her chest closer to his mouth, arching her back. 

“Ppplease...” she is moaning.

His hands return to her waist as he unzips and pulls down her jeans. She takes off her shoes and steps out of the jeans quickly and licks her lips, breathing heavily. He lifts her in his arms, and she automatically wraps her legs around his back and bites his neck. She knows what’s going to happen next. She doesn’t mind. She doesn’t care anymore. She wants to scream. She wants him to fill her. 

He carries her to the bedroom and tosses her onto the large bed, gets rid of his shoes and socks, takes off his pants and t-shirt. Crawling onto the bed he immediately goes back to her mouth and kisses it, hungrily, making her moan louder, burn with desire. He always loved to go down on her, placing soft kisses on every inch of her supple chest, her firm breasts, her abdomen, her thighs. 

She is panting, squirming under him. Her eyes shut as she grabs the silk sheets, and then his hair, and then the sheets again. “Oh, God…,” escapes her mouth when he removes her underwear, sliding it down her long legs. She moans loudly when she feels his lips are finally where she needs them most. 

He lifts his head. “Look at me. Look at me, Caitríona! Open your eyes! I want to see you. I want you to see me as I make you come…” 

She opens her eyes and stares at him, her chest is rising, and her forehead is sweating. "Touch me...," she whispers and her legs are shaking when his tongue enters her, and he licks her, eats her out, fills her, and breaks her in half. Few more strokes of his tongue, and she’s almost over the edge. “Sam… Oh, my godd…” 

“Give it to me, Cait. Scream. Scream for me, please!” He begs her, and she hears the notes of despair in his voice. And, then she gives it to him, she comes hard, her back arches off the bed, and she screams. And, she almost cries as she presses his head closer to her core, not wanting it to end. It's been so long.

“Come here, I need you…,” she breathes out, when he lifts on top of her, and their mouths meet again. She can taste herself on his lips and can’t get enough. “I want… I need… Please.” 

“You’re so fucking hot,” he mumbles, savoring her mouth.

“Then, fuck me...” she breathes out. 

He grasps her left leg, and lifts it over his shoulder, gently palms her wet slit before he enters her in one go. This time she can’t help but close her eyes, again, when he starts his movements slowly, then faster. Their chests are crushing against one another. He is suspiciously quiet. She wraps her right leg around his waist tugging his body closer, taking him in deeper. He takes her hands and entwines his fingers with hers. She wonders if her body will still exist when they finish. 

“Harder,” she moans, fluttering, throbbing in ecstasy. “More. Please. Yes. Yes… So close.” 

“I’m going to come. Fuck, Cait…,” he cries out her name, as his whole body shakes. Her toes curl, her back arches again, and she comes just a moment after him, for the second time. He breathes on her face, kisses her, then slips out abruptly and falls on his back. She feels nothing but emptiness, again. 

“You said you wanted to talk?” She asks a minute later, staring at the ceiling. 

“Forget what I said.”

“Sam…,” she turns her head and looks at his face. “I’ve missed you.” 

“I wanted to memorize you.” He says and his face is blank, lost.

“What? Why would you suddenly want to memorize me?”

“Your shape, your breath on my neck, how your breasts fit in my palms,” he continues, ignoring her question. “How my hands touch you everywhere… How my tongue feels against your hot, wet pussy. Your taste, your smell.. How you scream when you come, the face you make…”

“Sam? What the fuck is going on?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow, Cait,” he says firmly, not looking at her. "I didn't want to leave without... seeing you for the last time."

  
  
“What? Leaving? Where? Why?”

“I’m moving to New York…”

“You're...what? You must be kidding… You in New York? Wait-”

“I’m not kidding,” he cuts her off. “I got an offer I couldn’t refuse. I bought a house, and I’m leaving tomorrow. The tickets are bought. Suitcases are ready. I'm starting over. I just wanted to see you. One last time.”

It's that simple. But she’s not listening, tears blur her vision, and she is not able to speak. She sits on the bed, shocked, wraps her hands around her knees. “You can’t do this to me…” 

“To you?” He lets out a surprised laugh again and raises his eyebrows. “Why are you always making everything about yourself?”

“You didn’t even consider _me_ in your new life?”

“Because this is a new life, Cait.”

“I can't believe it... No, no, you can't just...leave. What about me? What about us? Please, give me some time! I’ll figure it out. If you leave, I will never be able to forgive you.” 

“For leaving?” He gets up from the bed and dresses quickly. 

“No. For making me fall in love with you!” 

He stares back at her, astonished. “You had eight years to figure shit out, Caitríona. We've talked about 'us' so many times. I’m...done. There's no 'us' anymore.” 

She watches him, and her heart is sinking. “So, this is the end? We are...finished? What was that, just now? A goodbye fuck?” She asks. 

“Call it what you want.” 

“Please, Sam, don’t leave...” She’s ready to beg, on her knees, hot tears streaming down her face. “You don’t love me anymore?” 

"Does it matter?” He says and grabs his jacket. “I hate myself for doing this to you. And, I…hate you for making me do this." 

Everything is happening so fast, turning like a carousel. She doesn’t hear him anymore, except... 

“Goodbye, Cait. Please, don’t come after me.” 

With that, he is gone. And, she can't move. She suddenly feels dirty and used. 

She doesn’t remember how the door shut behind him. She gets up and wraps a blanket around her body. She is heading to the bathroom to empty her stomach, her knees are still shaking, as she slowly falls on the floor. She doesn’t know how to live a life without him in it. She doesn’t know if she should have stopped him. But, she knows that she deserves this.

She knows she has lost him. 

This time, forever.

>>>>>

**Author's Note:**

> Pls, don't hate me.


End file.
